Instinct

After being on a sixteen-hour roll for the 24-hour fasting, my inner-compulsion self has taken over. It almost felt like survival of the fittest mode. Peter dropped a corn chip and I literally… I literally without thinking twice, with what felt like a natural reaction, dove quickly and grabbed it. I laughed at myself but also felt reassured that if I ever had to rely on those instincts, I’d have a decent shot at survival or at least diving for food… I almost gave in and started walking towards the ag deli, halted myself and turned to go to the bathroom as a distraction. I entered the men’s restroom on accident… To say the least, I wasn’t focused. I was shaky, tired, and felt like the last thing I wanted to do was put effort in concentrating WHICH ACTUALLY TAKES ENERGY. I didn’t even want to go get water from the fountain even though I knew water would be my one consumption. It could have also meant I was lazy but lifting objects or power walking home before the rain hit was difficult too. Our AEC 309 exam took most of my energy. I usually don’t eat breakfast but after my AEC 309 lecture and before my PLS 386 lecture, I usually grab coffee and something to munch on. As soon as I was done with my exam, I checked out for the rest of the day. While mentally I knew I wasn’t going to be able to eat anything, my stomach hadn’t caught up with my thoughts. Along with everyone being able to eat around me, I grew irritable and slap happy at the same time. They’d find me staring at their food and laughed… Sure it’s funny cause they know I can’t eat because of a class project but it was a little insulting at the same time. I might have also gotten offended because I was just tired and grumpy. Maybe insulting isn’t the right word but sad to see someone laugh at a hungry (or hangry) person. I’m also not the prime example because I ate just sixteen hours ago! But this actually happens around the world WITHOUT CHOICE. People were very encouraging telling me “You’ve got X amount of hours left!” But knowing that encouragement or hope probably doesn’t happen with everyone around the world simply because some people don’t know where their next meal will come from. And although realizing that thought is probably more unimaginable to a lifestyle like mine, seeing someone in the moment laugh at me staring at their danish made me feel a burden in a somewhat distant and yet familiar part of my conscious I felt in Indonesia. Some feelings repressed. Hunger is hard to see. Hunger is harder to feel.